Sauronitis
by Rosemary Parkinsons
Summary: Winkelhaven Oddball was a hobbit who wanted to take over Middle-Earth... Written kind of like a children's book! PG-13 random disturbing elements. Not that bad, but it'll catch you by surprise.
1. The Oddest Oddball

**_Sauronitis_  
**  
Chapter 1: The Oddest Oddball  
  
Once upon a time in the Shire... Judging by this beginning, one might expect a beautiful Fairy Tale. How wrong you are. This is not a Fairy Tale, though it does resemble one at times. This story is a mere documentation of young Winkelhaven Oddball's exploits. Yes, you read correct, but before you immediately open another story in hopes of a better Fairy Tale, let me tell you something. This story is better than a Fairy Tale. It's a true story. I was a witness to it all. And if you are still going to read something else, I cannot sway your opinion any more. So, here is the story, like it or not.  
Young Winkelhaven Oddball was the youngest of the Oddballs of Hobbiton. Being only in his tweens one might expect him to be a useless child, carrying minuscule loads for his parents when they are in need and feeding the hogs. But this was not the case. Winkelhaven was above that all. He refused to work, much to his parents' disgust, and spent much of his time in his room, reading and rereading the story of Frodo of the Nine Fingers. The rest of the time, Winkelhaven was scheming. With the recent fall of Sauron, Middle Earth was in a state of rejoicing. In fact, once it was widely known that Sauron had fallen, no one even cared about the rest of the world. And the Hobbits of the Shire were no exception. So Winkelhaven seized this opportunity to plan. He planned and planned and at last had a large enough list of plans that, should one fail, he had many backup plans. He was sure he could accomplish his goal now. At this point, I'm sure you are wondering, 'What exactly is this little nerd planning?' so, I shall tell you. Winkelhaven meant to take Sauron's place as evil overlord of Middle Earth. This being said, I shall continue with this narrative.  
At last, the time was ripe. Winkelhaven was ready to put one of his plans in action. In the dead of night he slipped out of his hobbit-hole, carrying a small bundle filled with money, food, and a piece of stool. "Nothing like a good stool I always say!" young Winkelhaven had thought to himself when he packed it. Winkelhaven ran as fast as he could, through the country roads of the Shire. He ran, and ran, and ran some more until he was safely in the realm of Gondor. "My," he said, "That didn't take very long did it?" He pulled out his map of Middle-Earth, (One that he had stolen from a certain Samwise Gamgee) and pondered over it for many hours. At last he figured out why it had only taken him 6 hours of solid running to get to Gondor. He had been running with a banana on his nose!  
  
TO BE CONTINUED! 


	2. Of Bananas and Poop Flinging

Chapter 2: Of Bananas and Poop-Flinging

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When last left young Winkelhaven, he had just finished running to Gondor. WITH A BANANA ON HIS NOSE! Everyone knows that banana's upon noses give people immense speed. Winkelhaven had the feeling someone back in the Shire was trying to help him by putting it there. Perhaps they just wanted him away as soon as possible...   
  
"Thank you!" Winkelhaven shouted, in hopes that somehow, all the way in Hobbiton, whoever it was would hear him. Then Winkelhaven felt a spear point on his back. He froze. Suddenly a large sack was pulled over his head and his hands were bound. He was lead silently to Minas Tirith, which took a very long time giving his location. To make matters worse, neither he nor the man leading him had a banana on their nose!  
  
At last they reached the top level of Minas Tirith. The city had recently been rebuilt, and wouldn't you know it, Lord Aragorn had had some redocorating done. There were lawn gnomes under the White Tree and painted on one side of the great protruding rock thing, (I have no idea what it's called) was a humongus pot-leaf. All the buildings had been spray-painted lavender, ("I always liked that color!" Lord Aragorn had said when he requested it be done.) and the roads were made of pure silver. ( "I like things that are shiny, like Aragorn's penis!" Arwen had said when she first saw it.) "The king will see you now." The man said at last. Finally the sack and ropes were removed. Winkelhaven knew what he had to do. Quick as a flash he reached into his sack and produced a handful of stool. (A/N: Nothing like a good stool I always say!) He flung it at all the people who were watching him, including Lord Aragorn.

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(A/N: Sorry that chapter was so short. I just thought the poop flinging would be a good place to stop. Just so you read the next chapter, not like, to tick you off or anything. Oh, and sorry about the whole, Aragorn's shiny penis thing. The thought came to me at random and I felt like thoroughy disturbing people with it!) REVIEW OR I WILL DIE! 


	3. Of Oliphaunts and Streaking

Winkelhaven ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he masturbated and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ran, trying to escape from the angry mobs of Gondor. However, he did not have a banana upon his nose anymore, making it much harder and much more tiresome! Poor Winkelhaven almost dropped dead from running. However, he at last found himself in Mordor. He glanced around and then jigged for joy! He was at last where he wanted to end up all along. Now was the time to put his plan into action. He ate a piece of celebratory cheese he found in his pocket and then began to work. After many many hours, he found himself looking at a large contraption that somewhat resembled a gargantuan nose-hair trimmer. Now to find an oliphaunt...

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Alas, after 3 years of searching, Winkelhaven found an orphan oliphaunt and befriended it. He harnessed the giant nose-hair trimmer to Sir Mix-a-Lot ("EVERYONE should name at least one of their pets Sir Mix-a-Lot in their lifetime!" he had thought.) and sat upon his large, hairy, smelly, icky, and totally yucky back. They marched along like this for 72 years, (Young Winkelhaven was no longer young!) until Sir Mix-a-Lot dropped dead from exhaustion!

Perhaps I should explain WHY Winkelhaven had an Oliphaunt drag a giant nose-hair trimmer around with him. Winkelhaven meant to shave down all of Middle Earth so it had no standing buildings or living people and then he would have total domination. However, he didn't even get out of Mordor due to the extreme slowness of Sir Mix-a-Lot. Poor Winkelhaven was devastated! Time to use another plan!

Winkelhaven stripped himself naked and painted himself bright pink with black polka dots in strategic places. He hastily grabbed a banana and ran to Gondor.

"Look at me, I'm in the nude! Huahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahuahau!" he shouted at Lord Aragorn. Too bad Aragorn was so terribly high that he did not realize the danger he was in. A few seconds exposed to Winkelhaven's nakedness would have been okay. Sure, a few years would have come off his life, but nothing major. But any more than 10 and KAPUT! you'd die of disgustedness! Poor Aragorn went KAPUT! and there was much rejoicing. Mainly from Arwen. "WOO HOO! NO HUSBAND! ROCK ON! BRING ON THE POT!!!!"

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And I'll stop there!

READ AND REVIEW! I know this story is crap, and that it's not that funny, but it's my first TECHNICAL fanfic. It's not the first I posted, (James and Lily's Lively Conversation took that spot.) but it's the first fic that I started to write. It would be bad luck not to finish it. If you want, I can kill Winkelhaven off in one or two more chapters and be done with it! I think I will do that! YAYNESS! Tell me if you review!

A/N: Did anyone notice that in the "and he ran and he ran and he ran" part right in the middle I added, "And he masturbated"? Just trying to see if ya'll are awake! (I love randomly disturbing people!


	4. Of Stewardesses and Suicide

Arwen took a permanent break from being a queen. Being as thus, Winkelhaven became Steward of Gondor. Turns out Winkelhaven's job was terribly difficult. Pot wasn't enough to save him from the daily horrors of being a Stewardess. Er, I mean, Steward of Gondor. So Winkelhaven committed suicide. He smoked "muchos pot-os" and then, being high, didn't feel the terror as he plummeted off the giant rock thingy to his death.

THE END

This story was obviously going NOWHERE so I just killed him in this outrageously short chapter. YAY! Now it won't be eating at my conscience to write this. Review, just for the hell of it. PLEASE!

-ROSEMARY PARKINSONS


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